Amateur Mom-ness

Here we are. 2 weeks from delivery day.

He got home from the NICU on Sunday.

Which means that I've been a full-time-stay-with-him mom for almost 5 days.

This whole mom thing is wonderful beyond compare.

Even though it is sometimes hard.

But hard isn't the right word.

Hard implies strong, tough, rock-like, callous, dense, firm.

And that's not quite right.

It is the softness that gets me.

Like when J got extremely upset (read: squalling/crying until he was entirely red) when I had to set him down. sorry bud. even moms have to use the bathroom on occasion. it isn't betrayal. just normal. promise.

My heart broke. It took McCallin coming home for me to really snap out of it.

Like when J went to the pediatrician and he had a clean bill of health. hooray for a healthy baby!

My heart swelled with joy. I could not stop grinning for the rest of the day.

When he looks up at me with the grateful eyes while he eats. When he is eager to play in the middle of the night. When he lets me know his opinion on how quickly he is getting food. When he kicks off his socks over and over. When I pick him up and his little hands are cold. When he sighs in contentment.

There are a multitude of directions that my heart gets pulled every day.

It is a whole new range of emotions. And reasoning. I even bought him the name brand of medicine. I've never done that (for me) in my life. And life in general.

I'm not quite comfortable with that yet. I don't know if I'll ever be. I have a strong independent streak and a stubborn will.

But this newness is here. I am learning a whole new vulnerable. One that is wrapped up in a fast growing 9 lbs. 2 oz. of pure adorableness.

And my heart is growing too.